Ran-Dumb Minutiae

Just Returned From Texas

2006-06-12T21:49:00.000-10:00

I apologize for the hiatus, but I spent the last two weeks in Texas with my wife and kids. It was my first visit to the Lonestar State, but I must say, I find it oddly familiar. The area I was in reminded me somewhat of my hometown. Well, maybe not my hometown (there were no gangsters or the slums I remember), but it reminded me a little of the San Juaquin valley, where Turlock is. My new house there is wonderful, and with a little (okay, a LOT) of work, and 200-300 dollars worth of flowers and landscaping, the front yard is by far the best on the block, and perhaps the best in the development. Hopefully I'll have some pictures soon (I was too busy enjoying the visit to take any myself) to post soon.

But I'm back now, and I'll be posting more to here and my other blog, ran-dumbwritings.blogspot.com in the near future. I'm just about ready to start submitting some short stories some magazines, so there should be some entertaining posts on that blog in the coming weeks.

I'm Branching Out

2006-05-21T19:57:00.000-10:00

I've created another blog that will document my struggles as an aspiring writer. You can be there for each step of the way as I write a novel and short stories, then attempt to get it published.

This is a chance for those of you who want to see what it's like for a writer to break into the business, and you'll be able to share his successes and failures (hopefully there will be more of the former than the latter).

I'll also continue to update this blog and use it for my takes on politics, the military and mainstream media.

Happy reading.

"...Not a Lot of English... About This Much"

2006-05-19T22:07:00.000-10:00

I don't agree with making English the offical language of the U.S. I know, I'm a Republican, and I don't agree with something the president is saying... it's crazy, I know. But the president isn't saying it... the Senate is.

Either way, the fact that America doesn't have an official language is what makes the nation what it is: a nation of immigrants. Let's get a few things straight about my take on immigration before I go any further.

-I think we should have a thirty foot electrified fence with boiling cauldrons of oil standing by at the top.

-Immigration is a privelage to be earned (especially in this GWOT day and age), not a right.

-We need patriots who come to this country because they love what it stands for, not because we have jobs.

-Citizens are not an import.

-If you're going to be an American, you have to be able to function in this society. That means learning the common language and understanding our government. You aren't going to add any value (like immigrants of the past) if you're a succubus gnawing at the teat of our economy.

All that said, I understand that the common language is English, and that that's what people need to learn when they come here. But to make it our national language is taking it a step too far. I think it's a case of being overgoverned. It's an insult to us as a nation that our government doesn't have the faith in us to function in this country. It's akin to telling a child to use a spoon with his cereal, not chopsticks. There's an obviousness there that the government must not think we see.

So go on, make English the national language. And until you tell me that fire is hot, I'm going to keep putting my fingers in it.

The Death of another Icon - The Hoffa Mystery

2006-05-18T18:06:00.000-10:00

Damn. I hope they don't find him. America needs a mystery, I'd rather it be a missing Teamster boss than hidden tunnels between the U.S. and Mexico.

The Passing of an Icon

2006-05-17T21:42:00.000-10:00

Navy Ex-Aircraft Carrier Sunk, ‘Reefed’ off Pensacola

From Naval Sea Systems Command Public Affairs

PENSACOLA, Fla. (NNS) -- The ex-Oriskany, a decommissioned aircraft carrier, became the largest ship intentionally sunk as an artificial reef May 17 when it was sunk approximately 24 miles off the coast of Pensacola, Fla.

After 25 years of service to the Navy in operations in Korea, Vietnam and the Mediterranean, ex-Oriskany will now benefit marine life, sport fishing and recreation diving off the coast of the Florida panhandle.

Bush: 'Catch and release' of illegal immigrants will end

2006-05-15T19:49:00.000-10:00

"... Illegal immigrant hunting season to begin June 1st and run through September. A special permit will be required for hunting does."

The Stars at Night...

2006-05-13T17:38:00.000-10:00

...are big and bright! Not exactly new news to those who know me, but in October I'll be moving to Texas for my next duty station. We just bought a brand new house in Keller. If we had bought the same 4 bed, 2 bath house in Hawaii, we would have paid close to $1M for it. Fortunately, we got it for the bargain price of $130K. The wife is in Texas now tending to all the details like to goddess that she is, while I spend my last six months in Hawaii writing. Hopefully, I'll be able sell my ms (manuscript) for some extra cash, and we'd be able to buy those little extra things... like blinds and furniture. Oh, the joy of being a homeowner.

To Pinky Diablo: No, Pinky D. does not have a stalker.

(p.s., I've never seen the house except for pictures, but I totally trust the wife's judgement.)

Damn Dirty Curmudgeons

2006-05-13T00:09:00.000-10:00

I know, I'm a little behind. Stephen Colbert (of Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report") was recently the keynote speaker at the White House Correspondants Dinner, and he put on a good show. It wasn't as great or as shocking as the reports made it sound, but it was interesting. What really stood out to me were the curmudgeons (you know who you are). These were the folks that the cameras cut away to during Colbert's routine. Colbert would make a joke, and you'd hear laughter, but when the cameras cut away to the audience, nobody was laughing. Everybody had this ridiculously serious look on their face as if they didn't get the jokes. Perhaps it was because the jokes were on them. The fact is, if you can't be roasted at one of the most prestigious press functions in the U.S., and take it like a man, then you've got problems.

The true hero of the night was Helen Thomas, long time (and ancient) White House correspondent, who not only appreciated Colbert's humor, but partook in the fun in his "White House Press Secretary audition tape." She absolutely made the show not because of her acting, but because of her sincerity. She wasn't so caught up in herself that she couldn't laugh at herself. Bravo, Miss Thomas.

Papa Bear in Dog House

2006-05-11T21:18:00.000-10:00

Papa Bear is now living in a Motel 6 following the release of this picture of his illigitimate child. Asked for comment about his infidelity, Mr. Bear said, "Why would I want to go home to porrage every night?"

The hunters pictured were quoted as saying, "There was only one, and we got 'im!"

Mr. Potato Head Goes to Saudi

2006-05-11T21:01:00.000-10:00

Mr. Potato Head has undergone vast changes through the years. From plastic face parts on real potatoes, to today's fantastic plastic contraption, Po (as his friends call him), has always changed with the times. Now see him as a Mid-East oil tycoon.

We'll always respect you Po.

Where Have You Been?!

2006-05-10T19:34:00.000-10:00

Well, I returned to work today after a four day weekend. This was our reward for doing such an outstanding job of freezing our asses off at Fort Hunter Liggett, California for three weeks (I myself froze about 10 pounds off). And in true military fashion, work was backed up and had to be done TODAY or the war on terrorism would be lost, ships would fall out of the sky and planes would sink. Trust me, I appreciate the time off of work, but the whole four days of relaxing were voided after 8 hours of work. Instead of having three weeks' worth of stress spread out over three weeks, it was all squeezed into today.

The moral of the story here is: give your people time off, but be prepared to have work fall behind, especially when it backlogged for three weeks straight first.

On a happier note... oh who am I kidding.

I See You Seein' Me

2006-05-09T09:25:00.000-10:00

To prove (to myself) that last night's post advertising my return was more than just the drunken ramblings of a madman made madder by solitude, I post this now.

This evidence will stand up in court.

The Re-Birth of Me

2006-05-08T20:33:00.000-10:00

I'm back. Yes, after several months in hiding, I have re-emerged and am raring to go. A quick update to bring everybody (including myself) up to speed.

-I just bought a house in Keller, TX that includes membership in an evil Homeowners Association. Because I pay only $30 a month, I expect the blood-letting to be minimal, and that my soul will be returned to me upon selling.

-I'm still in Hawaii, but Mrs. Pritt has taken care of all the purchasing of the home, and it'll be waiting for me when I get there in October.

-I live out of the trunk of my car and sell my body for food (generally this is only good enough for the dollar menu at Wendy's, though on some big nights I can splurge on the Big Bell Value menu at Taco Bell).

-I am now 37,000 words into my novel and it looks like I may remain at that number for a while. I've hit a road block, and while I still haven't found my muse at the bottom of a Coors can, I'm confident the little bitch is hiding in one and I'll get to her sooner or later.

-I have plans for an overhaul of this Blog that will include more of a slant towards writing (if I can't do it, at least I'll be able to write about writing, and isn't that a great use of my time?).

So for now, rejoice in my return! I'll be around again real soon, so check back.

6 Months and Out

2005-09-10T22:29:00.000-10:00

Well, I've come to the end of the road. My tenure in Iraq is over, and it's time to mosey on home. In a couple of days I'll be on my way home. Which works out, because it was getting freaking hot out here.

This Post Isn't About Hurricane Katrina

2005-09-08T06:23:00.000-10:00

I think internet quizzes are lame. That said, try the one below. For more fun with the internet, go to Google and type in your name and the word "is" in quotes and click search. For example: "Chad is" quickly brought up Chad is gay, which I wholly deny. The truth is out there, it's just not on Google.

Don't get blood splatters on you when you shoot
your victim. Your methods are a bit uncouth but
your finesse and sense of style is impeccable.
With a bit of guidance you could live among us
in the world of vampires.

How would you Murder?
brought to you by Quizilla

A New Link

2005-09-04T22:34:00.000-10:00

I have a new link under my links column to another blog. I dig the guys art.

I Meant it in a Good Way

2005-08-25T05:19:00.000-10:00

Not to be outdone by Islamic Extremists, CBN's Pat Robertson has taken up Christian Craziness, when he called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez on a broadcast of "The 700 Club," (named for the 700 heads on pikes that adorn CBN's corporate headquarters).

According to Robertson, the remarks were made "in frustration." The frustration purportedly stems from his inability to legally use his elite unit of "Neo Crusaders."

Saying that his statements were taken out of context, he said, "I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out. 'Take him out' could be a number of things including kidnapping."

He continued, saying that kidnapping is the U.S.'s God-given right, pointing out that the government has been doing it for years to Mexicans, transporting them across the border in the dead of night, often times in panel trucks.

Penelope's a Whore

2005-08-23T22:17:00.000-10:00

So I'm busy working at my computer a couple days ago, and the senior chief that works across the hall tells me to check out a blog about some girl. Apparently, she had been "violated" by her boyfriend. At first, I think, what's so funny about that? Then I look at her blog and I see. Not only does she confess this misfortune, but she goes on to give weekly updates on the status of her ass, which seems to have suffered the full brunt of her boyfriends attack. She's also kind enough to let us know her family's opinion on the situation.

I think, 'wow, this poor girl is completely fucked up in her mind." But then I start looking at the comments, and I notice that she's galavanting about the web insulting people's sites. Penelope really is a whore.

This is my first post in a while, and I'm sorry that it has to be about something as ridiculous as this, but I think everybody should be aware that this type of childish misrepresentation of circumstances is out there. If this Penelope had the experience she had, she should go to the police, not the Web. The Web is not the new authority.

This blog is obviously a desperate cry for attention, and lots of people are giving it to her. Though I doubt it's the type of attention she had in mind.

I'll probably be called a wang or a wang-head for this post, for that is her Modus Operandi. That, and being a whore.

You can visit this unfortunate soul at www.penelopegirl.blogspot.com.

Viva La Freedom!

It's Not as Magical as I Recall

2005-07-28T00:27:00.000-10:00

I'm going to go ahead and piggy-back off of a blog I just read over at http://strategyrevolutions.blogspot.com/. It's a quick rant about hotels and the little things with an accompanying story. Here's my story:

I just got back from emergency leave to go to my dad's funeral. It was the first time I'd seen my family in four months, and I could tell that my being away has driven them a little batty (at least my wife, who has been looking after two boys 18 months and 7 seven years old [to include: changing diapers, constant feedings, baseball and soccer practices, doing homework, doctors appointments, dinners, cleaning, etc., etc.), so I decided that after the funeral we'd spend a couple days at the Magic Kingdom, including the ridiculously priced Disnyland Hotel. They needed it, and in a way, I did to.

It was anything but magical.

We get there early, way before our check in time and they tell us our room isn't ready. Not a big deal because we are, after all, early. But we see people checking in all around us. That seemed odd to us.

We have some time to kill so we go over to the restaurants to get something to eat. It's 1 something by now, so we're expecting lunch. No lunch, they're serving brunch until 2pm. What the hell is that? Who it's lunch at 2 in the afternoon? They tell us the bar has a limited menu and we should check that out. Limited was an understatement. Our choices were: cheeseburgers and pizza. We got the cheeseburger.

So three o'clock rolls around, which is our check-in time and we head up to the counter, ready to check in and change into our bathing suites. To our dismay, our room is STILL not ready. At this point I look at the people who ARE getting their rooms: middle-age, suite wearing business types. Then I look at the people in line with us whose rooms aren't ready: young folks like myself and a group of people wearing chaps and Harley shirts. Hmmm, I think, there seems to be a trend...

Anyway, 5:00 rolls around and our room is finally ready. We tell them that we should get a 3p.m. checkout on our last day (let's face it, the 1p.m. checkout is a gimme at most places, so we deserve a little extra). The tell us know and give us our hotel room key. We head over to our tower and are dismayed that there's no lobby and that we have to use a special entrance because they're renovating. Wouldn't normally bother us, but since we're paying 285 bucks a night to stay there, we deserve the full experience. Not to mention, the room isn't what we asked for and the beds are all wrong. So we head down there and demand another room in another building. Which they give us. The room STILL isn't what we asked for, but by now it's pretty late in the evening and we just want to relax.

Long story short, the Magic Kingdom is no longer what it once was, and I think Walt Disney would roll over in his grave if he knew it was being run that way.

I Think the 4th of July is Great - I Think I'd Like to See the Iraqis Have Something Like That...Wouldn't You?

2005-07-04T01:32:00.000-10:00

229 years ago we declared that we were not going to take it any more -- Twisted Sister would have been proud. Now, in the 21st century, we're fighting for freedom again, though it's not ours.

I can appreciate the need the Iraqis have to have us by their side as they fight the insurgency that is now plagueing their country, but c'mon, don't you think the victory would be a little sweeter for them if they played a more prominent role?

We didn't do it alone, either (thank you French), but we didn't just sit back and let other countries win our independence.

The Iraqis are still sacrificing - big time - in this war. I don't have too many worries - TOO MANY WORRIES - that they'll hold on to their freedom once we leave, but how can they cherish it, how can it last, for 229 years if they are seemingly handed a country to rule. Where will the patriotism lay? I'm here because 229 years ago we stood up and said, "No more," and there were Sailors that said, "Let's do it... will we get free grog?"

But what will the Iraqis of the future have?

"Hey, remember that time a couple hundred years ago when the infidels came over and helped us liberate ourselves?"

"Yeah, that was great."

That's our problem: We love Freedom so much we'll give it to everybody we can. We're like that rich kid at school that shows off his new toy, only our toy is 229 years old.

Happy Birthday, America!

5 Things from My Childhood That I Miss

2005-07-04T01:15:00.000-10:00

I've been tagged by Senior Chief Hartford to write about 5 things I miss from my childhood. I'll tell you, I always do what my seniors tell me to do, even if it distracts from the more important mission of staring blankly at the tile of my bathroom cubicle. Here it goes.

1.) Reading books until all hours of the night and not having to worry about being in bed by 2200 (or even 10:00 p.m.) so that I can be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for another day of warfighting.

2.) 39 cent tacos from Taco Bell.

3.) Being excited about my food coming in a box with pictures all over it (the box, not the food).

4.) Not having to shave... EVER.

5.) Not having to worry about my friends getting blown up.

I'd tag four other people like I'm supposed to, but nobody else I know has a blog. So instead, I'll issue this challenge: Don't ever grow up. Hold onto that childhood that you miss so much and never let it go, even if it means playing catch in a wheelchair.

Admirals are like Santa Claus

2005-06-27T20:03:00.000-10:00

My job affords me the opportunity to chase admirals around taking their picture and generally just being a nuiscance. It's on my last chase that I realized something: Admirals are like Santa Clause.

In the week or so leading up their arrival, there's a mad scramble to set everything in order, to deck the halls, so to speak. There's cleaning to be done, dinner to be planned, and everybody's making sure that their "kids" have been good boys and girls - and to ensure that they'll continue to be good boys and girls while the admiral is here.

Then the big day arrives and Admiral Claus comes swooping out of the sky in his sleigh (generally a CH-46 Chinook helicopter). Everybody is excited and you can cut the tention with a knife. Everybody wants to know what kind of presents he's brought. Some are tangible, like coins that bear his name. Others are less tangible, but even more sought out: knowledge. "Is the Navy going to do this?" "Are we going to have to do that?" "Will we get more... ."

Admiral Claus will then make his rounds, visiting the children of the small town (Camp Fallujah), asking what they'd like.

"Is there anything you need to make your job easier?" He'll ask, to the delight of those he asks.

Then the visit is done and he'll rush back to his sleigh, which idling at the landing zone just for him, and he'll zoom off to the North Pole (Washington D.C.) and we'll all wait here, anticipating the arrival of the presents he promised.

Ah, and like Santa Claus, we'll never get those presents. Instead, we'll get t-shirts and socks. Damn.

The Great Amazingini: Weekly Predictions and Conspiracy Theories

2005-06-24T04:05:00.000-10:00

Because I'm often hard-pressed to come up with things to write about, I've decided to indulge you all in my greatest talent: Fortune Telling.

Now, I know what you're thinking: He's crazy, right? He can't be serious? He won't actually tell the world's future for FREE, will he?

Yes, I will. Why, because you deserve to know the truth... or the truth as it will be -- IN THE FUTURE!!!

So, starting to day and ending May 14, 2007*, I 'll predict the future and fill you in on the secret present (or "theory" to you nay-sayers).

SECRET PRESENT REVEALED FOR THE WEEK OF JUNE 19-JUNE 25:::

Joran Van Der Sloot's father is now in jail, and here's why-

On May 30th, 2005, a group of friends met up with an American girl and decided to show her the sites. That's when "something bad happened." It was an accident of course. Oops, she fell off the cliff when we pushed her.

Wipe to the Van Der Sloot casa:

Joran: "Dad, 'something bad happened!'"

Dad: "I'll protect you because I can't allow anything to interfere with my future as a judge.

Joran: "Thanks, Dad! You're swell!"

Dad: "I know son, but don't tell your mother. She just wouldn't understand the whole 'premeditated (something bad happened) and accessory after the fact thing.'"

Joran: "I won't, Dad. She's so naive."

Dad: "Now son, it's not that your mother's naive, it's just that she's stupid. But we're not stupid, right son?"

Joran: "Absolutely not. If we get in trouble, we'll just stay quiet so long that they have to let us go!"

FIN

So there you have it, the Secret Present. And the prediction: Nobody will ever be prosecuted.

Retraction Action

2005-06-16T00:23:00.000-10:00

I want to almost retract an earlier statement I made about FOX News. Almost. They made a brave step forward today, that I can do nothing but applaud.

One of their top stories was about the rescue of Australian contractor Douglas Wood. They showed some video of IRAQI troops breaking down a door to a house (not sure if it was some old b-roll they had or if it was from the actual discovery, but it doesn't matter) and went on to say that IRAQI troops with back up from U.S. troops discovered Wood on a tip they received.

IRAQI troops. With U.S. back-up. Awesome. If that's not proof right there that Iraqis are just about ready to take over their own country, I don't know what is. Americans here have taken a backseat to the Iraqis on several operations, and we're more and more becoming nothing more than a tag-along.

This is where the "almost" comes into the equation. In the same breath, the team at FOX went on to say that 26 Iraqi troops were killed in a bombing at a dining facility. It's almost as if they were waiting to mention that part. As if they felt obligated to report some good before they got to the juicy part.

Some of you would will say, "It's a related subject, of course they're going to report on both."

Maybe you're right. But I'm inclined to believe that people will remember that a bunch of Iraqi troops died in a bombing more than they'll remember that Iraqi troops rescued an Australian hostage. Especially the nay-sayers who think, no WANT, this war to be lost so that they can stand on a higher soap box and say, "told you so." Because at the bottom of it all, everybody wants to be right, even when they know that it's wrong.

Go ahead, bet against America, bet against a free and democratic Iraq, bet against a peaceful Middle East. You might as well just give me the money so I can go to Vegas where the odds are much better that I'll come back with cash.

I've included an article currently running on the FOX News web site. Note how the story goes from rescuing Wood to the bombing. They didn't even segway into it and, in fact, it doesn't even make much sense. I've bolded and italicized the transition:

BAGHDAD, Iraq — Iraqi and U.S. forces, acting on a tip, raided a dangerous Sunni neighborhood Wednesday and freed an Australian hostage who was hidden beneath a blanket, officials said. Elsewhere, more than 50 people died in insurgent attacks, including 26 killed when a bomber dressed in Iraqi army uniform blew himself up in a mess hall.
Douglas Wood (search), a 64-year-old engineer who is a longtime resident of Alamo, Calif., said he was "extremely happy and relieved to be free again," according to a message read by Australia's counterterrorism chief Nick Warner.
Wood emerged from the compound from which he'd been freed wearing a tan dishdasha, or traditional Arabic robe, with his head shaved, looking tired but smiling broadly.
"Wood is now resting comfortably and is in a safe location in Baghdad," said Warner, who added that he spent much of the day with the former captive.
"He's as well as you could expect him to be after enduring 47 days in captivity. At the moment, he's undergoing medical and psychological assessment and he's receiving the best of care," Warner said.
The raid took place as part of Operation Lightning — a broader counterinsurgency operation that began in Baghdad on May 29, Warner said. He added there "was specific intelligence and tips that provided a hint at what might be found at that location."
Wood was freed by the Iraqi army's 2nd battalion, 1st Armored Brigade, with assistance by U.S. forces in Ghazaliya — one of the most dangerous Sunni Arab neighborhood of Baghdad, Warner said. He added that "no ransom was paid" despite a request for a "very large" amount of money.
Wood was found under a blanket and the insurgents told troops he was their sick father, said Gen. Naseer al-Abadi, Iraq's deputy chief of staff. The operation also resulted in the arrest of three insurgents and release of an Iraqi hostage.
"This is a great day for Iraq. We are proud of the way our soldiers conducted themselves," al-Abadi said.
Wood was abducted in late April by a militant group calling itself the Shura Council of the Mujahedeen of Iraq.
The Australian government refused to bend to the kidnappers' demands that its 1,400 troops be withdrawn from Iraq. It sent diplomats, police and military personnel to Baghdad to seek his release.
"I am delighted to inform the House that the Australian hostage in Iraq, Mr. Douglas Wood, is safe," Prime Minister John Howard told Parliament in Canberra, Australia.
Howard told reporters an Iraqi military unit, in cooperation with U.S. forces, rescued Wood.
In Khalis, about 45 miles north of Baghdad, the bomber walked into the crowded mess hall wearing an army uniform and waiting until soldiers had gathered for lunch before blowing himself up, Iraqi army Col. Saleh al-Obeidi said.
In a separate attack, eight Iraqi policemen were killed when a bomber slammed into two police cars in the capital. Thirteen bystanders also were wounded as two police cars burst into flames at the intersection in a predominantly Shiite neighborhood, police said.
Although there was no immediate claim of responsibility for either attack, they bore the hallmarks of Iraq's radical extremist groups — which regularly use suicide attackers.
In one such attack Tuesday in northern Kirkuk, a man wearing a similar belt loaded with explosives killed 23 people and wounded nearly 100 after striking outside a bank as retirees waited to cash their pension checks.
Al Qaeda's northern affiliate, the Ansar al-Sunnah Army (search), claimed responsibility for Tuesday's attack and threatened more violence in retaliation for the arrests and killings of Sunni Arabs.
On Wednesday night, five people — including two children — were killed when three mortar shells landed on a well-known Baghdad kebab restaurant, police said. Eight people were wounded.
The attack in western Baghdad's Shurta district apparently targeted a nearby police headquarters building, police Capt. Talib Thamer said. The restaurant, in a residential district, was crowded at the time of the attack, he added.
Earlier Wednesday, two former Iraqi military officers — a father and a son — with alleged links to Al Qaeda were arrested while planting roadside bombs, the Interior Ministry said.
The two are top aides to Jordanian-born Abu-Musab al-Zarqawi (search), head of the Al Qaeda in Iraq (search) terrorist group, and were arrested near Khaldiyah, 75 miles west of Baghdad, said Col. Adnan Abdul Rahman, a ministry spokesman. He identified them as former Maj. Gen. Abid Dawood Salman and his son, former Capt. Raid Abid Dawood.
Two Bulgarian soldiers were killed and another injured late Tuesday when their vehicle slid into a canal about 34 miles southeast of Diwaniya, in south-central Iraq, where about 400 Bulgarian soldiers are serving.
At least 12 Bulgarian soldiers have died in Iraq.
Iraqi legislators, meanwhile, seemed close to agreement Wednesday on a demand by Sunni Arabs for more participation in drafting a constitution.
Such an agreement would help defuse growing sectarian tension between the majority Shiites, who control the government, and the Sunnis. The minority is thought to make up the core of an insurgency that has killed at least 1,042 people since Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari's government was announced on April 28.
Insurgents blew up a pipeline near Baghdad late Tuesday that carries crude oil between the domestic refineries of Beiji and Dora, a police officer said. It was still burning Wednesday, he added.
A gunbattle broke out in Baghdad's western Saydiyah neighborhood when gunmen opened fire on a police patrol, police Lt. Mohammed al-Heyali said. One civilian was killed and six police officers were wounded.

If the White Sequined Glove Fits, You Must Acquits

2005-06-14T02:08:00.000-10:00

A while back somebody asked me if I thought Michael Jackson was guilty. The great American I am, with complete trust in our judicial system, said, "I hope he's found not guilty because it means nobody got hurt."

Now, in retrospect, I thought the dude was guilty as sin. But because our justice system is infallible, I must retract my belief that he was guilty. Why? Because that would make me a bad American. Yeah the characters involved were conniving, money-grubbing liars; but I'm sure there was a bit of truth in their testemony. But I believe there was enough circumstantial evidence to convict. Had to be. There was enough for Scott Peterson to go to jail. But at the same time, a little case involving a former NFL player had oodles of circumstantial evidence, but no conviction.

If I was to go on trial for something, I'd get convicted, like Scott Peterson. I'm just a regular guy with a little paycheck and no fan-base.

If MJ was guilty (which I'm glad he is NOT [infallible jury infallible jury], whose fault would it be? His to a point. The parents to a degree. Look at it this way: would you let your son or daughter play with the neighbor's pitbull if it's rumored that he attacked a kid once. No proof or anything, but rumored. You surely would not. I know I wouldn't. It's just common sense. Better safe than sorry.

On another note. Iraq is starting to suck. A lot. It's heating up and I miss my family. I miss gettting off at 4pm everyday and going home and not doing anything (which my wife can attest to). I'm tired of spending 14 hours a day in the office and then going back to my rack and sleeping, just to get up and do it all over again. Groundhog Day for sure. I don't know how the Army and some of the Marines out here can do an entire year, and I know why the Air Force only spends 4 months at a time out here. It's okay though, because I'm defending my country, which I love.

And how the fuck is it that the world's most powerful nuclear military is caught up in a war with an enemy that is primitive by comparison? It's not like we're fighting the Russians or the Chinese or even the Iranians. We're fighting a bunch of fucking people who don't even know how to use the weapons they have (for the most part). I feel like we're a giant fly swatter. We don't do anything until one of them comes buzzing around our head, then we launch a bunch of 155mm shells their way. After a while, we get tired of the pests and we go destroy their nest. But you know what? They just build another and then another and then another. We're too busy worrying about the hearts and minds out here to put bombs on target. The point I'm at, I think we need to disappear in the middle of the night, without telling anybody, and then sneak back to the states and watch the country implode on Fox News.

Don't get me wrong, what we're doing out here is great, it's noble, and it's RIGHT. But it's for the wrong reason, and it's been poorly planned. Could I do a better job of planning? Probably not, but I don't get paid to plan. I get paid to take pictures and lay out retirement programs and put together year books. I'm not bitter...

So there your are, kiddies, my first rant. I'll feel better after I wake up with a fine layer of dust on my body from the relentless fucking dust storms we have here.

Viva la Freedom!

CNN, Fox News...A Jedi Craves Not These Things

2005-06-10T06:50:00.000-10:00

This post's purpose is three-fold:

1.) My take on American mass media
2.) My take on Star Wars III
3.) I needed to post something before people thought I forgot about this thing.

Purpose 1.

I've noticed a couple of major differences between American "news" networks such as CNN and FOX, and their foriegn counterparts such as BBC News.

I have two sources of news out here: Fox News on my computer at work and BBC at the mess hall. I must say, I look forward to lunch to watch the news more than I look forward to it for the food. I have learned more about the world in the last 3 months than I thought was possible from watching TV. Did you know that China has a booming economy now? Or that there's a war going on in Iraq, and the Coalition is winning? No? Maybe? You have an inkling, something you've seen somewhere in your peripheral or read on a FOX News/CNN ticker? Maybe you heard it somewhere? But I'll bet you know that, as I write this, Michael Jackson's jury is on its sixth day of deliberation, that Macauley Culkin has been convicted of drug charges, and the Army and USMC hasn't met its recruiting goals and that the draft is "imminent." Not to mention that a girl has gone missing in Aruba (like people NEVER go missing). On that note, have you noticed that the only people who go missing are good-looking and young? Or that they somehow only go missing one after the other, as if waiting their turn? Hundreds of people go missing and thousands are murdered daily, but you wouldn't know it by the coverage. Don't get me started on 'Fox and Friends.' They are the anti-news.

My suggestion? Buy a satellite dish and request the BBC. You will see the world from angles you never knew existed and be better off for it.

Purpose 2.

One of, if not THE, most anticipated movies of all time as debuted. Star Wars Episode III is now in theaters, and has been for a few weeks. I was privelaged to see a copy of it out here through means that will not be discussed. Here is my take on it:

-I knew what was coming, and that was the idea. I don't have a problem with that, and I expected little or no surprises. Here's what I do have a problem with...

-Remember when Terminator 3 came out? It was decent mindless entertainment, but you had the distinct feeling that they made it not because it was a great story, but they made it because they could. They felt almost obligated to continue the story.

George Lucas WAS obligated to make Episode III, and it shows. He relied on a canned story and special effects to make his movie. "Ooooh, let's through in Wookees even though there's no real reason to but just because we can!" "Oooooh, let's throw everything out the window of what we know about the Star Wars Universe and just make a big, whiz-bang movie with NO substance!" C'mon, George! We're not stupid, we know that if you wanted to, you can have gone so deep into story you wouldn't have had to rely on special effects to wow us. Remember Episode IV, A New Hope? Your effects were new, cutting edge, but used sparingly so that when we did see them we were even more awe-struck. We've seen all the special effects you used in Episode III before. We see them on TV now they're so common-place. For shame, George Lucas, for shame.

Let the Journey End

2005-06-01T01:01:00.000-10:00

I'm back from my whirl-wind tour of Iraq. Back to the relative safety of my bathroom office, where I drink coffee from my own metal mug and not cheesy paper cups with cheesy paper handles. I think that's what I missed the most, my coffee cup.

I have more to tell ye of my tale. Much, aye. But now is not being time nor the day. I'm exhausted you see. I got to bed about 2 o'clock this morning and had to be up at 5:30 to get ready for my promotion ceremony. I'm not complaining, not by far. I'm just too tired for the Blog business. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm alive and in one piece.

In case you cared.

"Ow, ow! My shoulder hurts!"...

2005-05-20T00:26:00.000-10:00

...Is what I'd be saying if we were in the "old" Navy (see "Hazing Outlawed" below).

Today I got the word that I've been "promoted." In the Navy, it's not a promotion really, it's called an "advancement." Whatever word you want to use, I now have more responsibilities, more benefits and, of course, more money. I'm pretty stoked.

That's pretty much all there is to post. My wife's excited, I'm excited, everybody's frickin' excited!

In a couple weeks I'll get "frocked" to Petty Officer 1st Class and a few weeks after that I'll start getting paid for it. I'm only 3 ranks away from Master Chief, the highest enlisted, but this is also where the hard part starts. No longer will my promotions be based on test scores (the next one in part is, but it's a long explaination), but on merit and achievement.

So far I think I've made the right decisions on career moves, but we'll see in about 3 years if it pays off (that's when I go up for Chief Petty Officer).

So there it is in a nutshell.

Cheers.

Let's Moses On Down the Way

2005-05-18T04:41:00.000-10:00

So today I spent the day wandering the desert on a remote base. The purpose of my trip out there? Unkown. At least to me.

I was to told to fly out there with the boss man and his posse to take some pictures and write a story. About what? I don't know. But I went and I took pictures. But nothing newsworthy is going on. Besides, I'm slated to go back there soon. Too soon to justify going out today.

Justify. At least in my mind, it means to show reason behind something. Yet the military illogically justifies everything. I can't explain it but it pisses me off to no end. Perhaps if my brain wasn't baked right now I can think clearly.

Let me set the record straight here. I have no problem with good, old-fashioned hard work. I'm in the military and I expect it. What I do have a problem with is doing something with absolutely NO purpose or impact on the mission. We call those "boondoggles" in the Navy, and they're an increasing part of our military.

Jedi Mind Tricks. I'm convinced that the Navy has a course to learn them, and they send all the senior enlisted to it. It's just that some are better than others. I've asked a couple of people why I' m going on this trip when I will be there again SOON. They'll talk around and around in circles, using analogies that don't make a lick of sense. It goes something like this:

Me: "Why am I going on this trip so close to my next one?
Them: "Well, JO2, the desert is a big place and often times we go to places more than once because of that. This way you can get a head start on your work there and build two castles out of the same amount of sand. Moses spent 40 years wandering the desert and he probably build thousands of castles with no water."
Me: "Oh."

They might as well have waved a hand in front of my face and said, "You don't to question it. You completely understand why you're going."

By the way, Iraq is fucking hot.

Some Assembly Required

2005-05-16T00:30:00.000-10:00

The military is a well-oiled machine. Each little gear flawlessly fits into its mate, each widget is precision-milled. However, often times, there is some assembly required.

When you pull your new military from its box, there will be a huge book of instructions... Throw those away. Make your own instructions.

The military is a giant tinker-toy. It's a global version of the Erector Set. It's Legos. Build what you want out of it, the only limit is your imagination.

On a small scale is the command. This too, requires assembly. During deployments, what was once a well-oiled machine, is stripped down to its smallest part and put haphazardly into its original Ikea box and shipped to the desert, jungle, wherever. During its journey, it will probably be manhandled by disgruntled postal carriers, dropped, kicked and thrown.

Once it reaches its destination, it's re-assembled. It's during this assembly that you find "extra" pieces that you throw out.

Now that you've rebuilt your command, reverse engineering those commands around you first and adding in your own mad-scientistesque parts and procedures, you can activate it. It's best if you stand back, now, because it may throw a horseshoe...

After some choking and coughing and black smoke, you'll begin to see your military work its glitches out and begin operating as it once did. Once the smoke clears and you can safely approach your machine, take it apart again and put it together blindfolded.

You see, what works isn't lasting. What is exciting and "evolutionary" is constant change. Your custom built command may look streamlined and flashy, but all you did was take the practicality out of it. Now you have all these extra doo-dads and gadgetry and modern wizardry, the bells, the whistles and the flashing lights. But do they do anything? Does it do any more than convolute the system? It's like running two dozen programs on your computer: yeah, all the different windows look cool, but notice how slow the system is running?

This post probably only makes sense to me. Much how the "system" makes sense to those who built it.

Hazing Outlawed: The Downfall of Military Unit Cohesion

2005-05-14T06:22:00.000-10:00

There was a time in the Navy when putting on a new rank would get you standing in front of a line of your "shipmates" who would take turns either driving the sharp pins of your collar device into your clavicle or punching you in the arm. This was to ensure that your new "Crow" wouldn't fly away. (Editors note: the "crow" is actually a perched eagle over the amount of chevrons you've earned denoting your rank).

Once they completed this ritual, you were officially joined into the ranks of those of your new peers.

Another tradition in the Navy is the "Crossing the Line" or "Wog Day." This happened when Sailors crossed the equator for the first time in their careers. During the ceremony, the Sailor was thoroughly embarrassed and had to face many challenges (including getting sprayed down with salt water-spewing fire hoses. This ensured that the "Land Lubber" was washed away and replaced with a nice salty Sailor.

Once that ritual was complete, the Sailor was considered a Shellback and accorded all the rights bestowed there unto.

While those rituals still exist in some form, they have been softened and replaced with G-rated versions. Why? Because the rituals described above are considered "Hazing."

Call it what you want, but it was a true test of your worth. There is nothing in place today that tries a Sailor like the traditions of the past. There's nothing that says, "You're a Sailor now." Nothing, that is, except a piece of paper with your signature on it.

Now, I joined the "New Navy." The Navy without the hazing. I feel jipped. It's like going to rock concert and not being able to crowd surf. It's like going to a chick-flick with your girlfriend and not scoring. It's like going to the McDonalds and getting a salad.

When I make rank, I want to bleed. I want to know that the people whose community I'm joining care enough about me to hurt me. Because when I go to a different command there's nothing that says, "This guy is one of us, he went through the same pain I did." The only pain associated with getting advanced now is waiting for the advancement exam results.

Anyway, getting back to the point of the post:

How can military personnel be expected to fight for each other when they haven't properly bonded with each other? I don't know. I think the one thing that holds that ability together is the fact that we all believe in what America stands for. It's not about Me or I, it's about the Nation, which includes the brother or sister in arms standing next to us.

But will that be enough forever? With ever-increasing mistrust among Americans - in no small part the fault of major media - how long will we trust each other enough and believe in our country and its cause in the face of battle?

Right now, all I know about unit cohesion is that I can afford the same amount of alcohol as people of equal rank.

Using the Internet to Stalk Your High School Enemies

2005-05-11T04:38:00.000-10:00

I'll start from the bottom of my list from last night's entry.

First off, stalking is illegal. As in, against the law. So instead of using the Internet to stalk your high school enemies, instead use it track down long lost acquaintences. For a friendly hello. Friendly.

I've found that the best place to start is Google. Aside from being a great search engine for porn, it can be used to track down those long lost buddies of yours. Because "stalking" is illegal.

Obviously, you want to start with their name. Type in their full name in quotes, such as: "Ida Stalker."

One of four things will happen.
-A: There are way too many Ida Stalkers to go through and you'll have to refine your search. Try typing in their last known town or address. This should narrow the search significantly, if not zero it out.
-B: There's only one Ida Stalker and she's the wrong one. Find out if your friend has been married recently. This can be accomplashed easily through a passing conversation with somebody who also knows that person. Example: "So yeah, we're driving up to the mountains this weekend. Speaking of mountains, remember the time we went up there with that one girl (or guy)? What was her name? Ida...Ida....Fuck! What was it?" And they may answer back with something like, "Ida Stalker, but she got married, I think her last name's Friend now."
-C: You find the person! Congratulations.
-D: Nothing came up.

If nothing came up, try your high school's alumni web site. Maybe they've got an account or something.

Be creative, mess around. Google is a powerful search engine and should only be used for good. Not evil. Good.

You may spend several hours, if not days conducting your search, living in the darkness of your office or living room, eating nothing but dorritos and drinking coke with too much rum in it and chain smoking. This is perfectly normal during a search for a long lost friend. When you feel ready to give up, just think of the look of surprise when you show up at their home or place of business, or boyfriend/girlfriend's home or place of business.

The World According to Carp

2005-05-10T06:36:00.000-10:00

Outside of my office is a pond. And in that pond swim fish from before the Coalition of the Willing moved onto this old Republican Guard base and made it our own. Those fish are huge. We're talking the King Kong of gold fish and some what appear to be carp.

I'm not just talking about the fish to live up to my witty Blog title for this post. Nevermind, I am.

Today was another day in Iraq. At least, it was according to Fox News. You see, being out here it seems the only way I know what's going on is by watching the news. I know less about the war now than I did 2 months ago when I began my tour out here. I live in my relatively safe haven of Camp Fallujah (Safe thanks to the Marines who came before me and kick the living shit out of the former insurgent stronghold of Fallujah) and sit behind my computer and work. Occasionally I'll venture out into the city or take a helo ride to another base, but it's all over and done with typically in about a day.

I work in a bathroom. That's right, just over two years ago some Iraqi soldier was probably taking a shit right where I'm sitting. All of the fixtures have been removed, but to patch job over where the fixtures once were are a daily reminder of what was once here. I joke and say I don't work in a cubicle, I work in a stall... and isn't that where we all do our best thinking?

Anyway, back to the window to the world that is Fox News. It's just about the only source of my news. The rest is all rumors in the chow hall or at the smoking area, which is probably only a little less reliable than Fox News.

I was more concerned about dying back before this deployment than I am now. Then it was a constant hum of fear: not paralyzing, but a persistent dread. Out here, I'm not concerned all the time, and when I am it is acute and over within moments. Perhaps it's as the old adage goes, "you can't see the forest from the trees."

There's really no sense to this post, and I wish I could write about something else, something lighter. I have all kinds of light things to talk about, but I want to save that for tomorrow. Here are some upcoming topics I'll attempt to cover:

-"It rawked my fucking face off!" and why hearing things like that makes me giggle.

-"The mystery of the Vanishing Goose and Her Eggs" and why so many people are concerned.

-"Inside the Cancer Ward: The military's insistance on alienating smokers by placing them in a small huddle away from buildings"

and...

-"Using the Internet to Stalk Your High School Enemies"

Blood: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

2005-05-09T06:52:00.000-10:00

This is my second post and I've actually stayed at work late to complete it. I think this is a true testament to my resolve not to let this Blog die in its infancy much like I failed my Sea Monkeys.

In fact, I actually came BACK to work to post.

Today was a real eye opener to the fact that I'm in a war zone. While, for the most part, I'm not out on the mean streets of Fallujah kicking in doors and unleashing on insurgents, I am just down the road on Camp Fallujah.

Tonight, as I went about my business personalizing my blog, an e-mail popped up on my computer saying that they needed A+ blood immediately at the hospital. Being the good samaritan that I am, I dropped everything and, after fightin with other people who just got the same e-mail to get out the door, I jogged my happy ass down to Fallujah Surgical Company to give blood. There was a line of people about a quarter mile long walking that way as well.

Once I reached the hospital (after a much needed pee break), I was told that they no longer needed blood. With a shrug I turned around and headed back to work.

Not 20 minutes later another e-mail popped up saying, and I quote: "There was a mistake made and miscommunication. Fallujah surgical still needs A+ blood. If you can, report to Fallujah surgical. Sorry for the miscommunication and Thank you again."

MISCOMMUNICATION?! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? A miscommunication is telling somebody they're having steak at the chow hall and it turns out to be chicken adobo. Miscommunication is telling somebody to be ready to go at 7 a.m. and then you show up at 6 a.m. grinning like a Chesire cat and holding two cups of "Caution: Hot" coffee from McDonalds.

Again, I locked my computer and shuffled off to the hospital where I got into another line considerably smaller and less enthusiastic than the first. However, once everybody realized that nobody was crying wolf again, they came out in droves.

Long story short: You see tired, disgruntled, disenfranchised Sailors, Soldiers, Marines and Airman on TV all the time. They look beat, they look very unhappy to be where they are, and you wonder how they can continue to do their job. Tonight, nobody was complaining about being at the hospital to give a vial of blood. Tonight, they knew exactly why they were there.

It wasn't for their president or their country. It wasn't for themselves or even their families. They were there for each other. And 10,000 miles from home, that's all we've got.

Let There Be Blog

2005-05-08T19:14:00.000-10:00

And there was Blog. And Chad saw that the Blog was good, if not rudementary. Not rudementary in the square block in the square hole of a baby's toy sort of way, but more like it's a taco from Taco Bell (circa 1997 when Taco Bell was still cheap). It doesn't look all that appetizing, but it tastes good, and that's really all that matters.

Anyway, this is my first attempt at a Blog. And like my attempts at many things before this, such as my robot and my quest to miniaturize penguins for pets (dubbed Pygmy Penguins), it will probably fall by the wayside after this initial post. But perheps it will persist. Gnaw at my very being, begging to grow and mature into a thing of beauty, much like Taco Bell grew and matured and brought forth into our world the Baja Chicken Chalupa.

The thing is, I don't really have time to keep up a blog. I'm currently in Iraq defending freedom and democracy around the world with a camera. I'm a Navy journalist working with the U.S. Navy Seabees here. Aside from the dust, the heat, and the people trying their damnedest to kill me, it ain't so bad.

A little about myself. Myself the person, not the Navy journalist because that's what I do, not what I am. How trite you say? Triteness is only the truth said in the simplest way.

I'm 25 years old, married to a wonderful woman named Jenn and have two of the most awesome kids you could think of: Colton (7) and Elijah (16 months). We live in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii and love Las Vegas. Not so much the gambling as the people. Okay, it's the gambling. By the way, drinks aren't free. Last time I gambled I bought two beers for like 100 bucks at the roullette table.

In the future, should this Blog survive my attention span, I'll write about myself, my life, and the world in general. But not tonight. Tonight the 5 cups of coffee that motivated me to start this have worn off and I must make the hike to my little Iraqi bed.

And on the 7th paragraph he rested.